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No More Fermi #7

22ND OF JUNE, 2026

From: bobt@esa.int
To: jimb@home.cern
Subject: Yeah, here we go again!


Man that’s stupid. You know the feeling when you are drunk, but yet sober enough to be aware of your drunken state? You are aware that you are in an altered state, you know that you should not jump into that fountain. Your phone may get busted, your clothes will get wet, it is cold and it will be unpleasant. But you still do it. It is as if there are two of you in your head and despite one knowing better, the stupid one is in control.
So this is me now. Again. I thought I had this sorted out. I thought all that shit is behind me, but no. It strikes back with vengeance.
I don’t even know when it went south. It is weird, because it is not like one day was good and I woke up bad, but it wasn’t really gradual either. It is as if I was not paying attention and came to a sudden realization that things are not right.
Isn’t it selfish? Our world ends as we know it. We are witnessing history. People are glued to TV, Internet and are talking only about how profound our current situation is. We are the lucky ones in the whole history of humanity to learn that we are not alone. Yet here I am, staring at the coffee table unable to enjoy the view.
You know how it is with me. Very few people do, but you know me. I still keep that club small and invite only. I am good at putting on masks. Nobody sees a thing. In a self-destructive way I am proud of this.
At lunch, by the coffee machine, I am chitty-chatty, same as I was weeks and months ago. Years ago? Yeah, I think so, it is a couple of years now. Nobody suspects a thing! When I retreat to my office I congratulate myself on job well done.
All of this happens while a little voice in my head screams at me: “What the hell are you doing? Why? Why are you dragging yourself into that pit again? Like dude, really stop!”. It is not an actual voice, worry not, just a figure of speech. That would be something though!

Take care, thanks for listening. Reading. You know what I mean.


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